Inside My Head On A Bad Day

I remember writing in stream of consciousness in fourth grade and loving it and I don’t think I’ve done it since then. Today, my mind was RACING all day so I decided to put that stream of consciousness on paper to get it out of my head and into the world so it could be dealt with.

I’m sharing these thoughts for so many reasons. One of which is selfish, and that’s to get them out of my head and into the universe – it’s therapeutic and makes me feel better, point blank. Another is that I know I’m not the only one with a war going on in my head and I want other people to know that. I’m usually smiling, I’m usually happy, but not always. Everyone is dealing with something and even if no one knows it because of the positive attitude I’m trying my best to present, I’m still dealing with stuff. I want that one person reading this to know they aren’t alone and everything isn’t perfect and life is messy and our thoughts can wreck us IF we let them. I want that one person to know I’m with them and we are all with them and we are all in this whole life thing together. I also want that one person reading this to think about how he/she has been treating people and remember that they are dealing with stuff and you putting them down or making them feel stupid or not treating them like a human being is never okay and can really, really hurt some people and drive them to do unsettling things, so please stop. I’m asking nicely.

Thoughts aren’t easy to control – it’s a habit we have to practice and learn to master. They can consume us and eat us alive or they can grow us – we have to choose what we think just like we choose what we eat and wear and do.

A wise, dear friend told me something yesterday I never knew. She recently learned that when we have positive thoughts, tangible “trees” grow on our brains. Like, you can see them, touch them, feel them if you look at the brain. Negative thoughts are like dead matter – they actually create lines and ruts in our brains. BUT you can retrain the negative thoughts and turn those ruts into trees! Her explanation of this changed me. I went home and told myself a million positive thoughts because I want my brain to be full of trees! Our brain actually, seriously responds to negative and positive thoughts – it’s not just something made up. So we HAVE to grow our brains and stop killing them.

All that to say, what I’m sharing is honest, vulnerable, sometimes boring, sometimes ridiculous, but all my honest thoughts throughout the day. I’m doing this for me as much as I am anyone – I want to see it all on paper and see how ridiculous the negative thoughts are when they are outside of my head. Most of what I’m sharing are negative thoughts. There were positive thoughts sprinkled about throughout my day, but all in all, I’ve had a mentally rough day and that’s why I’m sharing it.

I don’t want one more person in the world to take their own life because their negative thoughts consume them. I want them to share them. To a friend, to the world, or better yet, to God. We were never made to walk through life or these bad days alone, and my wish is that no one would ever have to. Some people feel trapped in their own minds, and this is me encouraging them to escape because there’s so much hope.

Of course these aren’t all the thoughts I had and I didn’t give a lot of context as to where I was or what people were saying or doing around me or a timeline, but that doesn’t matter. The circumstances don’t matter – the thoughts matter. And here are some of mine from today:

I can’t do it today. I can’t go to work. I’ll just have to tell them I’ll be in late.. I can’t get out of bed this is awful. I feel awful.

Ugh look at my skin what is wrong with it? My hair looks so bad today. I’ve got to hurry and get ready I can’t be any later than I am.

Ok you’re gonna be fine, you can get through this. These people around you are great and so fun. You can make it through the day. Just be positive and be a light for Jesus to those around you.

Ugh Kaitlin why did you just say that? That was so rude of you and you definitely aren’t showing Jesus to anyone. You should be ashamed.

(This is when I found out a person told another person he/she hated me. Gossip is ugly – let’s stop)

You must have really done something awful for him to hate you. You always do this. You make people hate you. There is something wrong with you – you are the problem. You have to be better.

It’s ok.. don’t worry so much about what he thinks or what anyone thinks. He doesn’t treat you like you are even a human being. Whether you did something or not, he/she has to forgive you and you have to forgive him/her. Don’t let it bother you.

None of this will matter in the end. Be happy focus on the positive. Don’t let these little things ruin your whole day. You have so many great things going on in your life.

You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re talented because God says so and you’re doing a great job today and impacting lives in ways you don’t know. People who matter love you for YOU every day no matter what.

They think you’re stupid and maybe you are. You really don’t know as much as the people around you so just don’t say anything.

I’m not happy. I’m just not happy. I am bringing everyone around me down by being like this.. I have to snap out of it.

You don’t have to always be happy, but God calls you to rejoice and have JOY even when it’s tough. He will pull you out, always.

 

Now, these were in no particular order and obviously not consecutive (I didn’t write down every single thought because there are thousands) but it gives you an idea of the negativity that was stirring in my mind today. Satan uses our thoughts against us. He knows we are most vulnerable in our own minds. He knows He can plant a seed in there and we will water it when we are weak and not focusing on things above, holy things, powerful things, godly things. That’s why we have to dwell on God’s Truth and His Word – I didn’t do that enough today. I let the lies drag me down. I was being fed positive thoughts by my loving people when I wasn’t able to think them myself, and that’s amazing, but it’s not God. He holds all the truth and His opinion of me matters above all else. He sends people to say things to us and love us in order to point us to Him.

I had an emotional day. My mental state wasn’t ideal and I wasn’t the best me today. That affected me, my work performance, and people I came in contact with. I did my best to battle it all day, but at the end of the day I HAVE to let God handle it. I can’t battle it alone. I have God and people He sends to guide me to His word to lift me up. When I rely on myself and the opinions of others who aren’t showing me love and grace,  I end up in a dark, dark pit of loneliness, sadness, hostility, and weakness. But in HIM I am comforted, joyful, graceful, and strong. He makes me NEW all the time.

Those thoughts were not fun. The roller coaster I rode today was not fun. If you asked me to name one of my best days, it wasn’t today. But that’s ok. He can use even this day and these thoughts for good.

Don’t let your thoughts eat away at you and steal your joy. Nothing should steal your joy. That is always the enemy working and not ever your own fault. But God is fighting for you, He is sending Angel Armies to surround you and defend your honor. You are HIS and He is yours, so dwell on those thoughts. And when someone says something or does something or something happens at work or at school or at the gym or while you’re driving, don’t let your mind go to a dark place. Train it to go to a higher place. Even if you have to trick it for a while and just tell yourself “fake” positive thoughts to get into the habit of being in that mindset, do it. Don’t let yourself slip into the pit. Fight for your happiness and let God have control of it. He wants you to have a joyful heart, so let it be, and let go of the world and its noise.

You are so very wonderfully made and that is that. Period. And so am I.

 

 

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Author:

God is writing my story while He lets me write a few for Him.

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