I Realized Marriage Is Not For Me

It’s funny how something meant to be so beautiful and pure can turn into something so stressful and chaotic.

I’ve always known I wanted to get married, but I honestly never thought about my wedding. I rarely looked on Pinterest and never dreamed of a dress – I was honestly more concerned with who would love me for the rest of forever – that sounds very cheesy, and it is, but it’s also very true.

After college, I was totally and completely single for almost two years, and it was amazing. During those two years, I did not think about an engagement ring or a wedding dress one single time.

When I met my now almost husband, we knew pretty quickly that we would probably get married – still didn’t look at rings or venues or dresses or flowers or dream honeymoon locations. I promise it did not cross my mind because I was so consumed with the fact that God had given me EXACTLY who I prayed for and I was having a lot of fun loving and being loved.

Time passed and I knew he would propose soon. So the ring discussion had to happen.

My Nana passed away when I was little and left a diamond for me, so I picked the setting I wanted and that was that. That was my ring, and it was special because of the center of it and because we picked it out together. He went to have the ring designed and I didn’t make a big deal about it – I loved the ring he proposed with and never found it on Pinterest or Instagram. Guess what? It didn’t matter either way – I was more excited that HE was the one who gave me the ring, no matter what kind.

After the proposal obviously comes the planning, and that’s where things got chaotic.

Since I had never thought about what I wanted, I didn’t know what I wanted…

I am very indecisive in every day life, so you can imagine that I might be even worse when it comes to what everyone says is “the most important day of your life.” What everyone gets wrong is why it’s the most important day of your life – It’s not because of the decorations or the dress – it’s because you are committing to forever with a person you are vowing to serve and honor and love for the duration of said forever.

In the beginning, I was very laid back and didn’t get too stressed about anything. But fear not, the stress came. Long story short, I got TWO different wedding dresses. I won’t go into detail, but the second one is stunning and “my dress” and I can’t wait for him to see my walk down the aisle in it. But that’s when the stress and obsession all started.

Our wedding started becoming more and more about decorations and food and music and dresses and what people would think than the reason we were having it in the first place. That’s the problem with marriage these days – they start off with a big proposal, social media posts, pictures, big parties, and a lot of comparison instead of focusing on the relationship being celebrated people who matter there celebrating.

Please don’t misunderstand me – there is absolutely nothing wrong with a nice, big, beautiful wedding with all the “fixings.” There IS, however, something wrong with being way too fixed on all the “fixings.”

Brides allow stress to creep in when we start focusing on all the material aspects of the wedding. Then, we start comparing our wedding to all the other girls’ weddings around us. We compare our showers, our photos, our rings, our venues, our dresses… you get the picture. We start questioning all the things we picked out because we think it won’t be good enough compared to “her wedding.” Comparison will always be the thief of joy, especially when it comes to something like a wedding.

News flash: Marriage isn’t for you anyway. It’s not for me. It’s not for anybody. It’s seriously for God and His glory and His grander plan.

My fiance, Caleb, and I recently attended a marriage conference that really focused on the fact that marriage was designed by God to unite people who work together for Him and raise up generations who continue that work. The enemy works to divide what God has united, and a major way he does that is with marriage. Caleb and I have also learned that the enemy uses weddings to attack the marriage before it ever begins.

It has been so evident that the enemy has been hardcore attacking our marriage because he is so scared of what we can do for God individually and as a team. He has been sneaking into every little crevice he can find and causing stress and arguments that don’t even make sense just to try to turn us against each other.

But he never wins. He never will. God brought us together for a reason and when we focus on Him, the reason becomes clearer and clearer.

My fiance is so calm and so grounded and brings me back to earth when I go spinning out of control. He asked me, “Why has this wedding become more about the decorations and less about us and why do you think the enemy is attacking it so much?”

It made me stop and think about why I was freaking out over invitations and centerpieces and flowers instead of looking at the incredible man right in front of me. And it hit me that satan is using all of the little details to stress me out so that I won’t appreciate the love God gave me through Caleb and use it to glorify Him.

The marriage conference we went to through Church of the Highlands with speaker Jimmy Evans hit a re-set button for us and reminded us the power of marriage and how special it is that we found our “compatible opposites” to spend our lives with, forever growing and forever learning. The things Jimmy Evans set sparked something that allowed us to really share how we were feeling, so I told Caleb that I felt like everything I did for the wedding wasn’t going to be “good enough,” which pretty much reflected how I feel when I backslide and forget my purpose and my identity in Christ.

The enemy cowered away as I shed light on my insecurities, confessed them to my partner and best friend, and used our relationship for what God intended it to be. And he cowered even more as Caleb began to tell me the kindest things about me I had ever heard and will probably ever hear this side of Heaven from a human. I was silent for the majority of the car ride, which is hard to believe if you know me. I sat and listened as he told me how he really, really felt about me, and why I was absolutely “good enough.”

I won’t tell all the things he said to me as I sobbed because I respect him and the fact that some words should stay between us, but he did start by saying:

“Do you know why I’m so quiet a lot of times when we’re in crowds? It’s not because I don’t want to talk… it’s because I’m watching you and I’m in awe. You love people the way God created us to love and it is an absolute gift from Him that you can light up a room just by walking in. You change the entire atmosphere of a room just by being there and talking to people the way you talk to them.”

I tell you this not to make myself sound “cool” because Caleb thinks I’m way cooler than I am. I share this little excerpt to let you know that I have never ever thought those things about myself but I always hoped and prayed I would find someone who would love me in a way to see the best in me, even if no one else, including myself, did. And that moment, that tear-filled car ride showed me more than ever before that I had found the one meant for my soul – not for my wedding pictures or my couple’s showers or my Instagram posts or my honeymoon plans but for the deepest needs of my soul woven together by a creative God.

The silly details about the wedding that I had been so worried about no longer seemed to matter. It was a relief to feel that my marriage wasn’t for me – it wasn’t for us – it was for a much higher purpose. It was for glory. It was for God.

Someone told us a few months ago, shortly after we got engaged, that we would do great work for God’s Kingdom with a ministry as a couple and that younger people would look to us for advice. I have no idea what he meant or how that will come to fruition, but I have no doubt that it will as long as we remember that our marriage is not for us.

No wedding, no marriage, and no relationship, no matter how sweet, funny, adorable, and kind the person may be is greater than our God and His love for us. We have to know that and live that. We have to use all those great things I just mentioned to remember God and His overflowing love and show Him our thanks.

Please remember, no matter the season you’re in, your wedding IS good enough, your job IS good enough, your house IS good enough, your hair IS good enough, you ARE good enough. Everyone is walking out their own story and there isn’t another like yours. Don’t focus on all the details and decorations and miss out on the celebration of what really is important – it’s more than likely staring you right in the face.

For His glory,

Kaitlin

The Day I Quit My Dream Job

My heart is so heavy as I write this.

I never really imagined my life in this spot. I guess no one probably does.

I have cried. I have prayed. I have prayed a lot. I have cried a lot. My soul has been weary. I’ve let the stress of the situation overcome me and I haven’t given it over to God. And that’s why I write this.

I contemplated even writing this at all. My pride and the enemy wanted me to internalize it and not share it. But God’s calling won, so I’m writing it.

I’m writing it for me and I’m writing it for whomever else needs it for whatever reason.

I need to write it to release it. And I know someone needs to read it.

I quit my job a few weeks ago. My dream job. The job everyone thought was “perfect.”

My last day is August 12, 2016.

I have worked at a news station for a little more than two years. It was my first job out of college. And I started somewhere most people have to work a few years to get to.

I graduated and started working there as a digital producer, wanting to be on-air as a reporter all along.

It’s been my dream to be a news anchor, a journalist since I was probably 15 years old. I don’t remember ever not wanting to do it. I just knew, ever since I was young, that I would be on Good Morning America one day. It wasn’t a cute fantasy. It was my goal.. and I was in the process of reaching it. I just new it.

And I did it. I got to the first major step. Then, I got promoted to traffic reporter and then to a full-time reporter by the time I had been there about a year and a half.

I was in the role I’d dreamt of, fought for, worked for, studied for, prayed for, cried for. And I wasn’t happy.

People always say, “Wow you’re on TV! It must be so fun and so glamorous! You have the best job ever.”

It was so fun. Not so glamorous. But so fun. I worked so hard and learned so much and the people I met changed me. But I felt like something wasn’t right.

My mental and physical health have been way less than they should be. And even worse, my spiritual health was deteriorating. I’ve been sick from the inside out.

It all kept getting worse. I started dreading going to work. And this had nothing to do with anyone but me. I started having a bad attitude. I had a spirit of offense, so any time I felt like someone was being “rude” or attacking me, I attacked back. And I pushed people away.

I stopped being a doormat, but I started being a bulldozer. I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want to do what I was doing anymore.

I got tired of waking up at 4 a.m. and I got tired of the stress and I got tired of being tired.

Then one day it hit me and I knew I had to quit. I had said I was going to quit before, but this time was real. I called my mom and told her. I didn’t ask her if I should. I told her. And  the sound of her voice told me that she approved of whatever decision I made, and that gave me the green light.

I told my bosses and we talked about it and worked out a deal. I knew I had to pay to be released from my contract, but I also know there is no price tag on personal happiness.

Ever since that day three weeks ago, I have been more sick, more stressed, more tired, and more upset than I ever was before.

But I have gotten closer to God.

I have struggled in wondering if I made the right choice and if I should tell them I change my mind. I have struggled to find another job – one that pays more and allows a normal schedule and allows me to use my skills and my degree.

I have felt ashamed, stupid, and pathetic. I have felt like a failure and a quitter. With every “no,” with every moment of fear, with every “What are you going to do now?” question, I have sunk deeper and deeper into the beginnings of a very dark depression. And that’s real. And it’s scary.

I have said to myself, “What are you doing? You have a job so many people dream of and so many people would love and so many people think you are perfect for, and you’re throwing it all away to be happy?”

And then I have answered myself: “Yes. To be happy.”

I have fought myself out of what could be a very bad place in my life by resting in Truth.

I mean, I took a HUGE leap of faith quitting a solid job without another one lined up. But it’s strange how many people have said, “Wow, I’m proud of you,” or “Wow, you are so brave.” That shocked and excited me. Other people want to do the same thing, but they are scared. And so am I. So, I’m not doing anything but trusting God. I have to not only say I have faith in Him, I have to ACTUALLY have faith and live that out.

Not everyone is in my situation. But some people are. Some people want to quit their job and pursue their passions. Some want to leave a relationship. Some want to change their major. Some want to move. Some want to start a business.

And fear is a huge reason so many of us don’t.

I’m telling you right now that if God wants you somewhere doing something, you will. He will guide you there.

And if you make the wrong choice, if I made the wrong choice in quitting my job, then guess what? We are not smart enough or powerful enough to mess His plan for our lives up. That’s the best piece of advice I’ve been given through this time of struggle.

His plan is like a route. You are going to a destination. You might take a few wrong turns or run off the road or take too many bathroom breaks, but you ARE going to get where you’re going. You just have to follow Him. He has the map. If you don’t follow the map, you won’t get there. If you do follow it, you’ll get there – it might be messy and tiring – but you’ll get there and there will be a lot of beauty and growth along the way.

This process has hurt and been one of the very hardest times of my life. I’ve had breakdowns, cry-fests full of mascara and snot, and moments of just emptiness. But at the same time I’ve never felt myself moving closer to God. It’s a wild, awesome paradox.

At the end of the day, this has nothing to do with a “job.” It has everything to do with God reminding me why I’m here and who I am. He is just using this to shake me.

Jobs do not define us. Careers are not all life is. Jobs can be used for His glory and they can be an outlet for us, but they are not who we are. We are His. And if what we are doing is not furthering His kingdom or drawing us closer to Him, we have to make a turn.

My profession can be used for Him, and I believe I was using it for Him at one time, but that’s not the case for me anymore. So, I have to make the choice to turn.

A life change like this is scary, but it forces you to either rely on yourself or in something greater. So many times, I’ve tried to make it by myself. I haven’t let anyone help me or tell me anything. I haven’t listened to God. And that’s when I have been broken.

But the days when I seek Him and surrender my worries to Him, I am free.

I am scared out of my mind but I am free.

My favorite author, Elizabeth Gilbert, constantly says to never quit your job to write a book. You have to have a job. And I’m not quitting my job just to write a book, but I am quitting A job to write a book. To live. To press into God and His church more. To pour into students. To spend time with family. To love on friends. To travel more. To exercise more. To cook more. To find a new job. To DO more than I have while I have been worn down in a place I’ve already been used. It’s time for me to go.

Most people don’t understand what I’m doing and that’s ok. I don’t either. But He does.

Change is scary. You won’t understand and everyone else won’t understand, but that’s ok. Change is good and necessary for growth. Growing pains are real, but the outcome is something bigger and better.

Today, one of my co-workers told me about a dream she had.

Co-worker: “I had a dream my boyfriend proposed. He bought me a religious card and it had a Bible verse in it, which is weird because neither of us are very religious.”

Me: “What verse was it?”

Co-worker: “Psalm 17:1.. It’s weird that I remember the verse.”

Psalm 17:1 “A prayer of David. Hear me, LORD, my plea is just; listen to my cry. Hear my prayer– it does not rise from deceitful lips.”

At first I thought maybe she needed to hear that verse for some reason, and that’s why she dreamt it. But the more I thought about it, I realized I needed to hear it, and she was a vessel for God to speak it to me.

I have been crying out to Him with honesty and innocence and sincerity. And He wants me to know He hears me. He wants you to know He hears you. Our prayers are not in vain because He did not die in vain.

You and your life plan matter. Even when you are in an “in-between” stage where you might have to swallow your pride and work somewhere that isn’t “cool” or “prestigious” or “fun.” The fact of the matter is the plan was never ours to begin with.

I have learned that I have to read His word and worship Him to hear Him. I can’t hear Him if the noise of the world, the Enemy, and my messed up thoughts are inside my head. So I have been so much more dedicated to really leaning in to hear Him. What a difference that makes.

And I may have to do something I did not plan on doing or do not want to do to get to where I am supposed to be, but that’s fine, because He never said life would always be fun or easy or glamorous.

I compared this entire thing to a relationship just the other day (of course I did).

When I was in college dating the guy I thought I would marry, I knew deep, deep down, he wasn’t the one, but I was too scared to leave. We broke up, got back together, and had a very unhealthy relationship. But in the end, we broke up and I moved on.

I then dated someone who helped me move on. He was fun and distracting, but He wasn’t the one either and I wrestled with what to do. So, God did it for me.

After I let go of my own plan for my love life and surrendered it to God, He delivered me the most wonderful, loving, caring man that will be my husband very soon.

The point is, it was a long journey to get to my dream guy. It hurt so bad and I made so many mistakes. I didn’t always listen to God and I drove myself crazy. He removed unhealthy relationships and habits and helped me grow every step of the way. And in the end, I finally gave up and let Him do what He had been trying to tell me to be patient for.

And I’m confident the same thing is happening now.

It could be a long time until I have my “dream” job. Because my dream changed.

Someone told me only a week before I quit, “Dreams change. People change. We grow and get smarter.” We figure things out… what we love, what we don’t love, what makes us happy, what steals our joy… and that’s called LIVING.

I have been scared of what people will say because everyone has always supported me in this, and so many people helped me get to this place. In and out of my workplace.

But, again, it’s not all about the job. I went to a university I never thought I’d go to, met people I never knew I’d meet, got an internship that led to a job in a city that was never on my radar, hated the city, fell in love with the city, fell in love with the people, met my future husband, and grew so much mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I would NEVER be in the exact place I am in life right now if I wouldn’t have moved here for this job. Hmmmm…. maybe God used the job for a bigger purpose. Just a thought.

I pray for a good job making a good living, but more than anything, I want to live. And I don’t have to devote my life to a career that used to appeal to me to do that.

I don’t have to be a famous anchor to do that. I may not be meant to do that, even thought I was so sure of it. I’ve been known to be wrong.

But I do have to press into Him and His purpose for me and run with it. Run super hard with it and don’t ever stop. And encourage everyone, absolutely everyone, I meet along the way to do the same.

I keep feeling like I’ve given up. And I have. I’ve give up MY life and plan for Him.

I also keep thinking about all the little girls who have come up to me in the park or at the mall and said they looked up to me. My job gave me that platform. I feel like I’ve lost it.

But God’s platform is SO much bigger.

I could work at a grocery store, a bookstore, a coffee shop, a school, a plant, a gas station, a mall, or at a job making millions – none of that matters. All that matters is how my life points everyone else to their greater purpose and to Heaven. And that I am filled with joy while I do it.

So, to recap (and gather my thoughts) on this whole big foggy mess of a life leap:

1. I decided to quit the job I had always dreamt of and went to school for.
2. I freaked out that I had made the wrong choice.
3. I worried what everyone would think.
4. I worried I would disappoint people.
5. I worried I would never find another job I love.
6. I worried people I work with will hate me.
7. I worried I was messing my entire life up.
8. I stopped worrying.
9. I started praying, reading, listening.
10. I gave it up to God.
11. I applied for jobs and then let Him work.
12. I decided to devote more time to my real dream of writing a book.
13. I let go of my pride.
14. I accepted whatever He has for me.
15. I realized a job is a job and things are things, but God is God and I have to focus on that.

This has all been a lot. My mind has been in a fog, but I can see God through all the fog, and He is waiting on me right where He has always been.

I have no idea where I’m going from here. I could end up back at the job I’m leaving or I could end up somewhere I never imagined. Trying to figure that out will drive me insane, so I’m letting the Author handle it. And I’m not letting anyone else rent any space in my mind, including the Enemy.

Friend, whatever you are facing, it will all work out. As my best friend said, “When has your life not worked out?” Somehow, some way, as long as you are fixed on God, it WILL work out. It may not be how you imagined it, but all of the best things in life happen just that way.

You are a vessel. He will use you as soon as you say “OK.” Your story will help someone. Your life will lead someone. Your words will lift someone.

So, that job, that relationship, that payment, that disease, that temptation, that person, that place, that thought, that struggle… it is NOT bigger than God. It never will be. Rest, I mean like hard-nap-on-a-Sunday-rest, in that truth.

Oh, and you are LOVED. So loved. Remember that during this trial because love conquers all.

I didn’t quit my job because I was mad. I didn’t quit because someone hurt my feelings. I didn’t quit because I hated the place or the people. I quit for me. I quit to explore what else might make me happy. I quit to figure out life. I quit to follow God’s plan and pursue it more. I quit to pursue people more. I quit because I felt something pulling me away.

I’ll be sad, I’ll be confused, I’ll be angry, I’ll be numb, but I WILL be OK. You will be OK. It will ALL be OK.

Because I’ll also be happy and fulfilled and joyful and free. Not because of a job – no that is not my identity. I am not the “news reporter,” I am not “Kaitlin Chappell,” I’m not “that girl with the cool job.” I am a Child of God. I am Chosen. I am Redeemed. I am Loved.

And we share all those names. So shake off the others. The good ones and the bad ones. Because neither are important.

Step out on faith when you are called to and then actually live it out and see how He uses you.

I’m going to try my best to do that while I open up the next chapter of this really crazy, beautiful, ever-changing life.

Go be love,

Kaitlin Chappell

 

Step Away From The Other Girl’s Instagram

Get off Instagram. Step away from the phone. No.. don’t go to Facebook. Turn the phone off… you know.. that button on the side you can hold down and then swipe to ensure that you do, in fact, cut off your lifeline.

It will be ok. I promise. It might even be for the best for just a few minutes.

I’ve read this blog before, heck, I’ve written this blog before. About comparing yourself to others and how social media is a mask blah blah blah..

But it honestly can’t be overdone because it is a HUGE problem and such a joy killer. I’m so tired of it.

Me and my girlfriends stayed up way too late one night last week talking and catching up and drinking frozen hot chocolate (from Serendipity in New York off Amazon – it was delicious.. go order it) and looking at other people’s pictures on Instagram and Facebook.

We analyzed hundreds of photos of weddings and houses and outfits and trips and jobs and we just ended up making ourselves feel so bad about the lives we live every day.

Before going to bed, I decided I wasn’t really that pretty, my job wasn’t making me enough money, I would never have a house that big, my wedding wouldn’t be that cool, my hair would NEVER look like that, I’d never get to travel to those places, my day to day was way too boring, I was no fun, and my social media pages just weren’t that cool.

I defeated myself and ruined the confidence I had worked to build up the entire day all in the matter of 30 minutes because of something and someone I could never control or change.

And I know my friends felt the same. Which I hated even worse because I know how beautiful and amazing and fun they all really are. And I know their lives are exciting and they have the cutest clothes and will have magical weddings and visit incredible places and love so many people along the way. I know their worth.

So why do I not know mine?

I’m looking in all the wrong places to find my worth. I’m looking at other people to find my worth. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

A. I need to look to the One who created me who has already told me I’m beautiful and worthy of His love.

B. I need to look within myself and not outside in this messed up world to know who I really am.

C. I need to look to people who love me and see the most beautiful parts of me even on my worst days.

You have to do the same. I’m begging. We cannot go on putting each other and ourselves down. It is a vicious cycle that will never end unless we make a conscious effort to end it.

Jealousy is the root of SO many problems in our world. It’s the reason people put people down, it’s the reason people try to screw other people’s lives up, it’s the reason for so much gossip, and it’s the reason for so much hate.

There’s no love in any of that and love really is what makes the world go round in a way more beautiful way.

There is nothing to be gained from obsessing over someone else’s lives ESPECIALLY when it’s not really even their life.. it’s PICTURES of their life that have been filtered and edited. Those pictures, just like yours, generally capture the best moments rather than the worst.

And a lot of people post really honest and raw pictures of bad days now, too. But DON’T compare your bad days to their bad days.

We are all on our own journeys in our own skins with our own souls. That is so much more special than we realize.

What a wonderful thing it would be if we all treated ourselves and each other like the unique, very special people we are.

Instagram and Facebook will never satisfy you. Go read a book, go for a hike, go have a cup of coffee…go BE. Go be with people. Live a REAL life, not a perfectly captured Instagram life.

And when you do come across pictures of someone else’s happiness, just be happy for them. Don’t resort to jealousy and comparison. Because guess what? Someone is looking at your life and seeing the joy you have, too.

We all have good days. We all have bad days. None of them are ever going to be the same.

So be you. And be beautiful. And live wide open. And don’t let someone else’s joy steal yours.

Go be love,

Kaitlin