If I Could Go Back, I’d Do It All Differently

Everyone always says, “If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, so I agree that we shouldn’t change anything because it makes us who we are, BUT I can’t help but thinking there are a few things I’d change. But since I can’t, I hope that my mistakes can help someone else change their paths.

College is such an odd time for everyone. You go from a teenager to an “adult” trying to quickly prepare yourself for the real world that you are very unsure of. There is no real way to prepare, so you find yourself just trying to find yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved college. I tried to take advantage of every opportunity and meet all kinds of different people. But I feel like I was very reckless in the process. My mentor always says, “Leave beauty marks everywhere you go.” I think I did do that in many, many instances. But sometimes I feel like I left bruises instead of beauty marks.

College gives you a perfect platform to live out the calling God has given you and show others His love. You may never again be surrounded by that many people on a daily basis again. I mean I was at a campus with thousands of people, some who needed to hear about His love. But I was so focused on what I was doing or what others were doing that I didn’t really use that platform He had placed right in front of me.

Although I was a Christian, I was still so broken and hurting because I wasn’t surrendering my every day to Him. I was worrying about what people thought about me, what people said, what they were doing that I wasn’t, who they were dating, and so many other things that didn’t matter.

I fought jealousy and harbored ill feelings toward so many girls all because I was insecure and did not know my true name as a Child of God. I wasn’t living in freedom in that. I was fighting to be known and loved by people when I didn’t have to fight at all because grace and love had already been poured out for me.

I know so many people who live that way in college, in adulthood, in high school… no matter the season. I slip back into it sometimes too if I’m not careful to surrender every single day. But I know how especially easy it is in college when there are thousands of beautiful, talented people around you for you to compare yourself, too. But please don’t. Please recognize your worth, not because of what you’ve done, but because of what has been done for you.

I also know how easy it is to spend a lot of time partying. I don’t even mean the crazy, movie-scene partying that a lot of people do. I just mean drinking too much and saying and doing things that you know aren’t giving any life to your purpose. It seems like the “thing” to do and I know you want to be cool and fit in with everyone else, but sometimes it’s even cooler to stand out.

When you stand out, you attract other people who stand out. Then, you start hanging out with people who stand out and they speak life into you and make you feel like you were meant to feel. And then, when you are hanging out with people who may be lost, they see that spark in you that is God, and they want it, too.

But, when you continue to go down that road that God did not intend for any soul, you feel lost and dark and lonely, no matter how many “cool” friends you have. That’s nowhere for a human to be.

I recently went back to my college town for homecoming and took my fiancé with me. I thought it would be cool for him to meet all the people I knew and see all the places I use to go, but I started feeling those feelings of darkness as I reminisced.

Again, don’t get me wrong, there were so many beautiful times there that I will never forget. I grew and excelled and explored, but I also got so hurt and injured because I let me guard down and didn’t focus on Who mattered.

When I was in college, I cared a lot what people thought. It wasn’t that I wanted anyone to think I was great, I just wanted them to know I really was a good person and a loving person and a kind person, and I felt like I had to prove that to everyone. I felt like I had no grace and that if I ever said or did anything wrong, people saw me differently and then spoke about me differently. And I didn’t feel that for no reason. It actually happened. People judged me and made me feel so worthless, but that wasn’t totally their fault. I gave them that power by placing my worth in their hands instead of the God who already called me worthy no matter what I did or said.

There were people who loved me like God loves me and spoke so much life into my purpose, but there were people who made me feel so defeated, even if they didn’t mean to. I try to always speak life into people because of that. I know I fail sometimes, but I don’t ever want a soul to feel the way I did. And the sad thing is, I probably made people feel defeated during those days, too. I would certainly go back and change that.

I heard a speaker say, “What if we always made everyone we came in contact feel like we feel after looking at Facebook on our birthdays?” Everyone shows you love on your birthday! So, why can’t we always do that?

The truth is, you can’t always do that. You’re human. The good part of that is, you don’t have to. God takes care of that. He gives us grace, and He steps in. We are not smart enough or big enough or great enough to save anyone or have the responsibility of making anyone happy. Sure, we can help, but at the end of the day, all we are doing is pointing people to Him. So, do that with your every day.

So, when I was back in my college town with my fiancé, I was rushing to get to a spot during the homecoming parade to take a picture with members of a student organization I had been a part of. I had asked them to wait because I was, of course, running late, but I didn’t expect them to because everyone was busy. Still, I wanted to go see and talk to people I hadn’t seen in a while. When I got there, I was greeted by several people who kept saying, “Yeah everyone was saying we were supposed to wait on you but we knew you wouldn’t make it,” or, “We were all laughing about having to wait on you.” My heart kind of sank. I had that “uninvited” feeling that you feel when you walk up on a group talking about you. I knew they hadn’t been nice when they were talking about me. I knew there was eye rolling and people thinking that I thought everyone should wait on me, even though that wasn’t the case. While much of what I was assuming was likely true, I also knew Satan was using it to absolutely suck the joy right out my happy heart.

Then, a girl said that someone had said, “We don’t want Kaitlin to write a blog about us if she misses the picture.”

I felt like I had been punched. I felt like someone was making fun of and attacking what I loved to do the most. Writing is what I love and what I know God has called me to do. But still, I greeted everyone and smiled, all the while fighting back tears that I felt were stupid.

My fiancé could tell something was wrong, so when I told him, expecting him to tell me how silly I was being, he said, “That was so mean of them and I am so sorry.” I collapsed onto his shoulder and cried. And then I cried some more at lunch. I had been so excited to see everyone, and I had let them bring back old feelings. Feelings of unworthiness, feelings that people were talking about me, feelings that people didn’t like me, feelings that people thought that I thought I was better than everyone.

That set me up for a day of insecurity. I saw people who I knew hated me and I wanted so badly to reach out and tell them I was different and that God loved me and them and everyone.

But guys, we can’t walk around proving ourselves to ANYONE. We don’t have to so we really shouldn’t waste our energy. You are NOT everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s ok. You’d be boring if you were.

I walked around moping and defeated for a while and said, “Well, I just won’t ever write another blog since people are making fun of it.”

Then, God said to me, “I have asked you to write, not for you, but for Me and for other people.”

The rest of the day at least 7 people came up to me and told me my blogs had really been helping them. That was God’s wink to me to tell me to keep going.

And you know what, the person who said the thing that hurt my feelings didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Maybe she wanted to get a reaction and get a laugh. Maybe she just said it mindlessly. It doesn’t matter. My battle isn’t against flesh and blood. It’s against an enemy who uses small things to create big feelings. But my God already has victory over that.

I wish I would’ve known that in college. I wish I would’ve walked in freedom. I wish I would’ve left beauty marks instead of bruises. But now, I can appreciate how far God has taken me. And I can pray that those after me on the same campus will do what I should’ve done.

If I could go back and do it differently, I really would. But since I can’t, I will be thankful for what I learned and who it made me and how I can help someone else. God knows what He’s doing, and I trust that. He works ALL things together for good – our bad feelings, our bad thoughts, our past mistakes, our insecurities, our moments of weakness – He uses everything not just for good, but for OUR good.

Friends, whatever season you are in, do what you can to live in freedom and lead others to that freedom, but don’t ever get so discouraged when you mess up that you stop. Keep going. Always keep going.

Carry on,

Kaitlin

 

The Day After The Day I Quit My Dream Job

I had a million and one dreams and aspirations when I was kid and none of them involved sitting at a desk for 40 hours a week.

I bet none of you dreamt that’s how you’d spend your time either.

That’s why I got a job as a reporter, so I’d rarely have to sit at a desk.

I already told you about how I up and quit my dream job as a reporter one day without another job lined up. My dream turned out to be something I was meant to do but not meant to do forever.

Well, the days came just like I knew they would and I didn’t have anything lined up to jump into.

Until.

My last week at my job as a reporter, I had several interviews. I had applied everywhere, so I was willing to interview everywhere. I was willing to work anywhere until I found that “dream job.”

I was offered a job on Wednesday night and my last day at the news station was Friday. Woah. I see you, God.

The job I was offered was not my dream job nor the job I went to school hoping to be at one day. I had never in a million years imagined I’d be where I was going. I didn’t particularly want to go there, either. But I knew I had to have a job, and, at the end of the day, it was a stepping stone and experience, and that’s better than nothing at all.

I think a lot of times we leave something because we are being called to exit, whether that’s a job, a relationship, a city, or anything else we are no longer meant to be with, but then we wait in the wrong way.

Being patient in waiting on your next step is great and beautiful and necessary. But waiting does not mean not doing anything. God wants you to wait on Him and listen to Him, but sometimes He leads you to an “in-between.”

I’m confident that’s where I am right now. And you might be there too. And that’s ok.

There’s no rule book that says when you are supposed to be where, so stop freaking out.

You might be in the job you’ll be at forever and be happy. You might be in the second of 15 jobs. You might be in the first of 100 jobs. The whole point is that as long as we are pursuing God and listening to Him, we are where we are supposed to be or on the track back there. Period.

A lot of times when it comes to something like a job, we want to just wait around and not do our part. Yes, God calls us to rest. Yes, God calls us to take time to pray and make a decision. And yes, if you are financially able to do so, give yourself time to be without a job until you find the next one, but don’t just stop and wait for Him to throw you a bone if you aren’t chasing after Him and doing your part.

Again, if I had my pick of jobs, I wouldn’t have picked the one I accepted, but I knew deep down that He was pushing me to that job. It didn’t matter what I wanted because it isn’t about me. It’s about Him and other people. Remember that little acronym? JOY: Jesus, Others, Yourself – We learned it in VBS, and it’s still true.

Everything we do should be about Jesus then others then, lastly, us. The world says,”Be selfish, look out for number one, do you.” But God says, “Be selfless, look out for your fellow man, do the right thing.”

So, I go to work at as the Marketing Director at an ice complex every day not because it’s glamorous or earns me recognition or pays me a ton of money, but because I know it’s the next step on the journey God is leading me on. And I know, in some way, at some point, He will show me “why.”

If I decide I want a high level Marketing/PR job like many communications-minded people, so this is where I start: building a brand for a company who needs one from the ground up, improving social media followings, planning community events, helping the kids here, growing the Special Olympics program, plugging a non-profit organization for athletes into the community, and more than anything, being a light for the people I interact with, all the while, building my own brand and my skillset, which is necessary for any and every job.

It is not about where you are or what you’re doing, it’s about how you do it. And it’s not always easy. You won’t always want to do it. And you may be in your “in-between” stage for a long time before God sees that it is time for your next adventure. That’s not a bad thing; that means He wants you to grow just a little more before you move on.

They might need you longer and you might need to gain a few more skills that will be necessary at that next job.

I started out at the news station doing digital producing and that is not what I wanted to do. But I use the skills I learned in that position every single day at my current marketing job. And that’s how God showed me “the why” of that season of my life that I struggled to understand. And I know that he has reasons for what I’m doing as the Marketing Director of an Iceplex. I have already learned skills and programs that I know I’ll need for something later on. And had I not been put here, I wouldn’t have had the same opportunities that might just lead me to something bigger.

We are “big picture” people these days. It’s hard to focus on anything but the end goal. But, God is very concerned with the in-between. My favorite message I’ve ever heard (I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll mention it again) was from Pastor Christ Hodges. It was about the “process” and how God works on us during that in-between phase and that’s why He loves that season more than He loves what we think of as the “finish lines” of our seasons. (You can watch/listen here.)

This idea goes for anything you’re going through. If you just got out of a relationship, you might be single for a while, but that’s not because God isn’t working; it’s because He IS working and preparing you and your future spouse for one another. That doesn’t happen overnight. Nothing good in life happens overnight. It might seem that way to us every now and then, but God was working even when we weren’t noticing.

Those in-between seasons can be beautiful if we choose to let them. We can learn and grow and take what we learn over to the next season. That’s called life: learning lessons and building on them forever.

I know that wherever you are: finish line, in-between, starting line, God is preparing you for something. He always is. There’s always a next and we are always working toward Heaven. We are working not to get there but to prepare our hearts for that final prize.

In the midst of your in-between-ness, just pause and reflect on what you’re learning and know that God will show you “why” later. He doesn’t have to do that for us, but He is kind, so He does.

I have to do that. Sometimes I think, “How did I end up here in this city, at this job, with these duties?” And then I remember, “Because God.” He wants me where I am and so I’ll do what I’m supposed to until He decides it’s time for a new season.

Jobs are not all about money or power or position; they are about how we are furthering The Kingdom. You might be working in retail or the food industry or at a gas station or somewhere else where you may not feel respected or dignified, but guess what? You are. You are a respected, dignified Child of God. And what you are doing, the people you are serving, the light you are shining is making a difference.

Again, I doubt no one dreamt of a 40-hour a week desk job, and not everyone has one, but some of us do. And that doesn’t make you any less accomplished than anyone else. There’s no comparison chart, so stop trying to make one up.

Keep pressing on. Keep your eyes open and your heart thankful, no matter what the day is like, what the season is like, what the moment is like.

One major thing I learned in quitting a job and immediately finding another one like a magic trick is that God provides and is always faithful. I’m not so sure I really knew what prayer was until that month of darkness, worry, and finding real faith, but now I do. And that sure seems like “the why” to me.

XO,

Kaitlin